More of the same

I've been miserable to be around; every other word out of my mouth is "fuck;" I was especially mean to the coworker from hell yesterday. I counted down the minutes until lunch time so I could get away from that place for an hour. I pulled into the Publix parking lot only to see a minivan with "Just Married" painted on the back window. I walked into the supermarket and Someone Saved My Life Tonight was playing on the Muzak; that line I love, "so save your strength and run the field you play alone," causes my eyes to fill up and I almost lose it right there in the meat aisle.

So I keep moving, to check out the markdown area, and there I see a shopping cart full of discounted wine. I didn't walk into the store thinking about alcohol, but there it was, and it was on sale. I forced myself past it, only to find another cartload on the other side of the store. Who would know? Who would care? I'm not going out of the house tonight. Nobody in this store knows I have a problem with it. I'm anonymous here. Why not? This is how easy it can be to throw years of sobriety out the window. In my case I'm just coming up on my first anniversary (April 24, after failing my drinking experiment last year), and I guess it's the thought of that that keeps me from doing it. I'd know, and I guess I still care about myself enough not to cheat on MY commitment to ME. I can't just go and get toasted every time I have a bad day. Or even a bad boyfriend.

I thought about it some more after I got home, so I took a shower and put on my jammies so it would be more trouble to leave the house. Bonnie called to see if I was ok. They tried to get me to come over, but I said I was already in my pjs and I needed a couple of days to myself anyway. I had my favorite Red Velvet Cake ice cream in the freezer, so I loaded up a bowl and had it for dinner. I still don't know that my sobriety is safe. I guess I'll have to be on high alert for awhile.