The Beginning of Something Good, I Hope

A miscommunication on Friday resulted in me missing a chance for my first date with L. However, we did finally connect and went out to lunch yesterday; he came down my place and picked me up, even though I offered to meet him somewhere (traffic was a bitch here yesterday). He brought me FLOWERS, took me downtown for lunch, held doors, held my chair, held my hand (in case I haven't said it before, I don't think I EVER held hands with J.)...in short L. seems to have all the qualities that I bestowed upon J. without a shred of evidence to support my wishful thinking. What WAS I thinking? It looks like all the things I thought about L., based upon my observations of him at the park, were pretty much on target. Go figure. Of course, he was probably on his best behavior, as I was. I have to say that, after 2+ years of screwing around (so to speak) with online dating, it was refreshing to go on a date the old-fashioned way, with someone I've known for a few weeks and have already established an attraction to and a rapport with. Unfortunately, because of schedules, it doesn't look like we'll be getting together again before the weekend.

I don't think a date has ever brought me flowers before.

More Uncertainty...

L. did show up at the park last night; I left again when he did, hoping for a shot at a date, or at least a chance to talk. He was saying he probably wouldn't be back at the park til the weekend, so I asked if he wanted to go get a bite to eat somewhere later this week. He said ok, but in a kinda sorta noncommital way, said Thursday was bad because of a work commitment. He asked about my schedule and I said any evening's ok (I guess that was a dumb answer), and I left not knowing who's supposed to call who. So I'm kinda scratching my head as to what to do. Also, it was a little uncomfortable because I could feel all eyes of everyone in the park watching us, out in the parking lot talking. I'm sure this is the juicy gossip of the week, even though nothing has happened! I'm sure he was even more aware of it than me, since he knows everyone fairly well.

So that was my night; happy to see him, but a little disappointed because 1) his response wasn't "Oh, I'd LOVE to, WHEN?" and seemed just lukewarm, 2) that no actual plans got made, and 3) I don't know who's supposed to do the calling. All of which led me to kick myself again, thinking I shouldn't have been the one doing the asking in the first place.

I was hoping to be able to get together BEFORE the weekend, so that it would be a short and sweet informal getting-to-know-you kind of date with a small "d," but it doesn't look like that's going to happen now. Since I'm back to doing the "strategy" thing, I figure it would be ok to call him on Wednesday night if I don't hear from him first, then maybe we can go out on Friday night or do something Saturday. I'd really like to have a REAL date, or just be able to see him away from the dog park so I can TALK to him in a more personal way, and not worry about what everybody is saying about it.

I'm trying to find a balance between the overeager me that scares 'em away, and a more patient me. But there probably won't be any miracle shifts in my ability to wait patiently. Which is why I made the "deal" with myself to wait just until Wednesday. As I said, I don't know who's supposed to do the calling; he may be waiting on me for all I know. I was also hoping that this would be easier and different than the norm, because this is truly a different sort of guy. But now it looks like all the usual rules apply, for awhile anyway. Still, I'm only going to take that so far. I'm not going to wait all week hoping he'll call. I'm going to do what feels "right" to me, and if one little misstep leads to scaring him away, then I guess he's not IT either.

This wasn't supposed to happen yet

I wasn't looking for this right now, I swear, but...the nicest guy on the planet ("L.," my dog park guy) gave me his phone number yesterday as we were leaving the park. I didn't "chase," though I did make it obvious, I think, that I was interested in him. He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket as I was loading up the kids and handed it to me. You could've knocked me over with a feather (used-up cliche, my bad); I didn't even know what to say! So I thanked him and said yes, I'd like to get together. Then when I got home and settled in I called him, said thanks again, and gave him my phone numbers. I don't know if that was the "correct" dating protocol, but there's a point at which I just have to do what I think is right. So I called, and kept it short. He said he's off work today, so he'll be at the park this evening. Maybe we can make an actual date, or go somewhere tonight for a quick bite after the park.

He also discovered that Timmy can play fetch with a tennis ball. Now I've got a monster on my hands. He couldn't get enough, and L. couldn't believe I'd had him for almost a year and didn't know he could do that. Timmy is the best dog in the world; I can't believe I almost didn't adopt him.

So I've actually got a shot with the NICEST guy on the planet. I hope I'm right about this one, and that I can keep from screwing up this time. I'm so excited I could piddle on the floor.

It Might Just Work!

I think the first Writers' Meetup went rather well, in spite of my lack of experience and leadership ability. 5 of the 10 members came out and we had an informal sort of gathering at Panera, in which we all introduced ourselves and talked about the kind of writing we are interested in, the projects we're each working on, and the kinds of things we'd like to accomplish as members of the group.

We made some tentative decisions regarding days/time/place of future meetings, and decided that twice a month would be a good schedule to keep us all involved. I hope that the other members will be able to attend in the future. We're still a little uncertain as to how to structure our meeting time, but I think it's a good group with a lot of potential, and everyone has different genre interests and goals. It would be incredible if even one of us was able to get work published as a result of being part of the group. Without even going to Taos! Just a little writer humor there....

I can only imagine how disappointed Timmy and Pancho must have been to be shown into the kitchen instead of going for a ride last night. I missed the dog park, too. I'll make it up to them tonight and the rest of the weekend.

And Brother Bob is coming down for a rare sighting and drive-by visitation. We'll be doing lunch at The Pier, to give him his tourist-trap fix. And that'll be all the excitement this kid can stand for the weekend!

Looks Like I May Have Started Something!

Tonight is my first Writers' Meetup ( http://writers.meetup.com/665/?gj=sj6 )! I'm excited but nervous, too. I created the group so I would have something to participate in, but I don't necessarily want to be its "leader." I don't even know what to do, never having been in a writers' group myself.

We're up to 10 members now, and 5 of us have RSVPed that we'll attend tonight. So I'm hoping that someone there will 1) know how a group like this "works" and 2) would be willing to be in charge or at least share that responsibility with me! Along with that, I guess the main thing would be to establish a regular meeting day/time/place, and set the next meeting. If we can accomplish that much, I'll be happy! It would be great if this group turned out to be successful; it would certainly be a boost to my self esteem, which has been in the sewer lately. It's also a way to meet some new people and, hopefully, get my writing off the ground.

Dear Diary...

I started blogging with the hope of producing some worthwhile reading material, personal essays would be the idea I had in my mind. However, since the whole ordeal with J., I feel like I've reverted/regressed into "Dear Diary" mode, and it bothers me. I want the creative stuff back; the wisp of an idea in the back of my mind that I play with like mental Silly Putty, until I can turn it into a decent blog entry that a total stranger might stumble across and enjoy reading. I'm tired of my own endless whining over my failed-again romantic endeavor. But what can I do? Getting it out of my head helps. At least it feels like it helps. I'm writing stuff in a spiral notebook, too. You (my audience of 3?) don't even see the worst of it!

Going to the dog park, while not a huge accomplishment in itself, seems to help me a great deal, by virtue of keeping me in motion, getting me out of the house and out of my own head. I haven't spent this much time with my dogs since I've had them, and it's wonderful. But last week I realized I had another motive, a more selfish one. In spite of my own good intentions (Dear Diary), I discovered I had become attracted to one of the guys at the park. I didn't even realize it until he didn't show up a couple of nights last week and I found myself going home disappointed because he hadn't been there.

I didn't want this, I'm not ready for anyone else yet. I still get upset, sometimes to the point of tears, thinking about that whole mess with J. I often feel like I have no idea, at the age of 45, how to have a decent relationship or how a good relationship works. I'm not sure I've ever really had one, to be honest. But I think this guy is the nicest guy I've ever met, maybe even the nicest PERSON I've ever met. He's a really GOOD person. He loves his dogs (3 chow rescues), and he loves ALL the dogs. He likes Pancho and Timmy, too, and doesn't even mind Pancho jumping up onto the picnic table and kissing all over him.

I have no idea if he's the least bit interested in me, or just being his usual nice self. And I'm certainly not going to be doing any boy chasing any time soon. This wasn't part of the "plan," not this soon anyway. I'm not about to do anything stupid; it is good to know that I CAN be attracted to someone who's nice (I was starting to wonder about that). It's also good to know that there is actually anyone nice left to like. And if he does turn out to be interested in me, I'd be an idiot to turn him down.

I'm already struggling with wanting to do something to "move things along," scheming about how to get a date and I barely know the guy. It's that all-or-nothing mentality of mine, which has caused me nothing but trouble. Once I cross that line in my head, I get obsessive about getting what I want, as soon as I can (I want my pony, dammit!). It's no wonder I scare them all away. But if I made the first move and got rejected, then there goes my dog park. I'd be too embarrassed to show my face there again. All those people are friends already; I'm a newcomer, and I should be glad that they've been as friendly and welcoming to me as they have without knowing me. And that's what I need to keep foremost in my mind. The objective was to meet people and make FRIENDS, not find a boyfriend.

I guess I should consider this my big chance to do things right.

Maybe Not-So-Bright Idea?

I know I allowed just a few days, but only 2 people have signed up for my writers' group so far. Only one of them could make it tonight, so I've postponed the first meeting until next Thursday. I sent out about 20 invites, to people that are local and interested in a writing group, but only 2 of them joined. I suppose I err in assuming that everyone is as connected to their computer as I am. I could reach out a little farther from "home" and invite some more people. I could also put an announcement on Craig's List, which I will probably do. I'm afraid that, in spite of my efforts, I'm going to be disappointed, that there will be no additional interest.


Meanwhile, back at the dog park, Pancho and Timmy continue to gain fans and wow the spectators! When I get home from work, they practically pee themselves waiting for me to get their leashes. People always ask me about Timmy's name, so I just tell them I named him for South Park's Timmy (and they think that's cool), rather than go into the REAL story and weird everyone out.

Otherwise, it's been a fairly ordinary kind of week. I'm glad I've been getting out of the house; that's the one thing that has made a difference in getting me back to "normal." I've got sewing groups, too, but I just haven't been able to get psyched up for them. I think it will happen eventually, but everyone I know knows what happened and that makes it harder for me to be around them. There is a certain feeling of embarrassment and humiliation that I feel when I'm with people who know the whole story and how hard I'm taking it. The dog park is perfect because no one knows me or what I'm going through. I can pretend that nothing's wrong. It must help on some level.

My Latest Bright Idea

OK, I sucked it up and formed the Meetup group for writers in the St. Petersburg area. At the moment, I'm the only member, but the Meetup.com people will be e-mailing all those in the area that have an interest in joining a writing group. I've gone to the web site countless times looking for a local group; finally I thought, "Why not start one myself?" There appear to be a number of people in St. Petersburg who would be interested in such a group; we'll see.

I scheduled the first meeting for Thursday, just to keep myself from having too much time to get nervous about it. If no one signs up, I'll just postpone it for a week. It is rather short notice. But now that I've taken the first step, I'm kind of excited about it.

I'm starting to feel a little better, more "normal," in spite of myself. I took the dogs to the park after work today and let them play for an hour or so. The various "park people" are always asking me how I came to have two such terrific dogs, because they're both so friendly and gregarious (Pancho likes to jump up on the picnic tables and kiss everyone sitting there). So I tell them about Fred, and how I went to the SPCA a couple of days after he died and found Timmy. I sometimes get a little choked up when I relate how it all happened, especially when I say how close I came to NOT adopting Timmy. I can't even imagine my life without this dog, he's such a wonderful companion. And Pancho is Timmy's sidekick, his little buddy. They even play together at the dog park, and it's so much fun to watch Timmy trying to chase down Pancho, who is actually pretty quick and has some great moves, too.

So it's been an ok day, for a Monday.

A Change of Plans

I haven't really been following my "90-day plan" very well; I've been doing a lot of reading, self-help stuff to try and ensure that I don't do the same stupid things again in the future. I actually did go pull some weeds Saturday morning, but that's not much considering all that needs to be done. I'm not doing very well with the "housy" tasks.

I have, however, been very good about getting out of the house. Wednesday I went to Panera's for a pizza-like thing, and did some writing while I was there, and the rest of the week (Thursday through today, Sunday) I've taken Pancho and Timmy to the dog park. Ok, so it wasn't much of a variety. But simply getting out of the house regularly is a positive step, and keeps me from getting too down in the dumps. How can I be miserable while I'm watching so many dogs have a great time? There seems to be a core group of friendly "regulars," so there is an opportunity to meet some new people. I take a book with me, but have trouble reading, because I watch the dogs as if they were my children (imagine that), and I'm afraid the minute I take my eyes off them, one of them will take a dump. For the uninitiated, not picking up after your dog is the cardinal sin of the dog park.

The change of plans I referred to in the title came to me this afternoon. I thought it might be more realistic to go with a date range of June 1-August 31 (my birthday!) as a goal. Because I'm still feeling kind of poopy a lot of the time, and not very consistent in most of the areas I talked about previously, I thought that changing the dates would give me a few weeks for life as I know it to return to a more normal state. This will hopefully make me a little more motivated and more successful in achieving those goals. In the meantime, I can learn how to work the Gantt chart software I downloaded! This will make my inner geek very happy.

I've also been giving some thought to starting a writer's Meetup group in St. Pete somewhere. There are existing writer's groups in Clearwater and Tampa, but none really nearby. It's inexpensive to start, you get your money back if you can't get it going in 30 days, so it's relatively risk free. The only reason I'm balking is that starting the group would also make me its leader by default, and that kind of freaks me out. I'm not the leader type. The other thing (ok this is the second reason) is that I'd feel like a complete loser if no one showed up at all! So I'm still pondering that idea. But I think it's an idea that I'll ultimately end up trying, and if the writer's group doesn't work, maybe I'll try one for bloggers!

Comments, anyone?

I Don't Want to Live This Way

I went to bed early again last night, not doing a whole lot after I got home from work (as usual). I went to sleep around 8:30, which is becoming my standard bedtime. It had only just gotten dark outside. The last thought I remember having before I fell asleep was, "I don't want to live this way." Actually, it was more like a quiet little voice, something I heard rather than something I thought. I kept waking up through the night with that sentence in my head.

It's significant because that was my "mantra" when I quit drinking again last year. After hashing and rehashing, knowing I was becoming obsessed by drinking once again, I just decided that I didn't want to live that way, my life revolving around my next drink and the associated anxiety. It was a simple "bottom line" resolution of my ambivalence regarding whether I was actually an alcoholic. It made it easy to quit again and saved me from drinking on a few occasions during the year, when Fred died, for example, and when I had to get treatment for my staph infection. Big picture thinking. From ME. Go figure.

So now my "mantra" comes back to me. I don't want to live this way. Obsessed about something else I can't control. Working, sleeping, working, sleeping. All I want to do lately is sleep. But what do I do instead? My two "old" girlfriends don't answer my e-mails anymore, I can't go to Bonnie's house every day, and I don't have the money to take myself out to dinner every night. And I don't even want to think about exercising right now, although that's the one thing that I SHOULD be doing, and would probably make a difference in the way I feel. In fact, I know it would.

I don't know why I'm so stuck, except that depression does tend to do that to people. Even my "professional help" isn't helping right now. She also encouraged me to start exercising. I can't even visualize myself walking on the beach right now. It's all I can do to take the dogs to the park on Saturday morning.

I don't want to live this way. But what other choice do I have right now, when everything I've ever tried to do has been a failure? When I feel like a complete failure? When will I ever be successful at SOMETHING?

An Ordinary Kind of Day

I'm at a loss for anything blogworthy to say the past several days. My mood goes up occasionally but remains mostly down. I haven't actively done anything toward achieving my goals during the last week or so. I'm probably going to have to revisit my timetable for that. I don't have a lot of motivation. I want to feel better, want to get this behind me, but I feel lost right now. I still feel very much like I'm just going through the motions. I get home in the afternoon and only do what is absolutely necessary, then go to bed, usually before 9. I saw my counselor yesterday, and the rehashing of everything just made me sadder.

I did get home earlier than usual and was finally able to make a few phone calls. I found out that my application is still under consideration for the job I applied for a couple of weeks ago. But a few calls to medical transcription agencies weren't very encouraging. It seems that medical transcription is not going to be very lucrative without experience, and it will probably be difficult to get the work without experience. That old "Catch-22." So that plan is going to have to be "Plan B." I'll be looking for something suitable, but it appears that full time work is out of the question until I somehow get some experience.

In spite of all that not so great juju, I've had the feeling all day that something good was going to happen to me. The feeling was so strong that I was anxious with anticipation all day. I didn't dare voice what I was feeling out loud. Nothing happened, of course. It was probably just the caffeine. A day when nothing bad happens seems like the best I can expect lately, so I guess I can't complain.