Ready or Not

I've had so little good luck lately that I still can't believe my good fortune in finding L., and chasing him until he caught me, as he likes to say. After the fiasco with J., sequestering myself from the world--my version of going to the mountaintop; you'd be hard pressed to find a hill around here--to the point of almost ruining the one (or is it 2, when it's a husband and wife?) really good friendship that I have, and spending that time doing an immense amount of soul searching, I came out into the light and almost literally bumped right into the guy I've been looking for for YEARS.

"They" say you find the "right" one when you're not looking. I can't honestly say I wasn't looking at all; my antennae are always up to some extent when I'm "available," I admit it. I will say I wasn't prepared or expecting to find anyone for a very long time. I was still struggling to have a little faith in the future. Now that I had sorted some things out, I had a pretty clear idea of how my brain works in "relationship mode," how foolish I'd been in assigning all of the qualities I wanted in a guy to J., and how hard it would be to find the guy that I really wanted in the real world. In fact, I had no idea how I was going to go about that, when the time came. I sure wasn't going to be doing anymore matchdotcomming. I only started going to the dog park as an escape, to get me out of the house and my own head, to make some sort of an effort to meet new people (friends, not boyfriends), in a relaxed non-intimidating atmosphere.

And it worked, on all counts. I started feeling better almost immediately. Then a few days into the visits, L. showed up. At first, I just thought he was nice, and really good with all the animals. Then I saw he wasn't just nice, but GOOD, all the way through. I've never known someone so kind, good, and unpretentious. As the attraction grew, I realized that, whether I was ready or not, this was the guy I thought I'd never find, not any time soon anyway. That it wasn't a "rebound" situation, but possibly the real thing, if I could manage to get his attention, and then not screw it up.

I recognize that this is the earliest stage, when each thinks the other is perfect, when all the "happy" love songs are written, when all is right with the world, inasmuch as it can be. My worry, however, is that he'll wake up and discover that I'm not the girl HE's been looking for. That I don't have all the qualities that he wants, that he just got caught up in the excitement of this new and unexpected romance, and that, in the end, I won't be good enough for him. I hope that worry fades over time, as we get to know each other better. I wouldn't be me if I weren't worried about something.

I wish there were some way of thanking Pancho and Timmy, without whom this wouldn't have happened, but their reward is just being able to go for a ride and run at the park.

The Beginning of Something Good, I Hope

A miscommunication on Friday resulted in me missing a chance for my first date with L. However, we did finally connect and went out to lunch yesterday; he came down my place and picked me up, even though I offered to meet him somewhere (traffic was a bitch here yesterday). He brought me FLOWERS, took me downtown for lunch, held doors, held my chair, held my hand (in case I haven't said it before, I don't think I EVER held hands with J.)...in short L. seems to have all the qualities that I bestowed upon J. without a shred of evidence to support my wishful thinking. What WAS I thinking? It looks like all the things I thought about L., based upon my observations of him at the park, were pretty much on target. Go figure. Of course, he was probably on his best behavior, as I was. I have to say that, after 2+ years of screwing around (so to speak) with online dating, it was refreshing to go on a date the old-fashioned way, with someone I've known for a few weeks and have already established an attraction to and a rapport with. Unfortunately, because of schedules, it doesn't look like we'll be getting together again before the weekend.

I don't think a date has ever brought me flowers before.

More Uncertainty...

L. did show up at the park last night; I left again when he did, hoping for a shot at a date, or at least a chance to talk. He was saying he probably wouldn't be back at the park til the weekend, so I asked if he wanted to go get a bite to eat somewhere later this week. He said ok, but in a kinda sorta noncommital way, said Thursday was bad because of a work commitment. He asked about my schedule and I said any evening's ok (I guess that was a dumb answer), and I left not knowing who's supposed to call who. So I'm kinda scratching my head as to what to do. Also, it was a little uncomfortable because I could feel all eyes of everyone in the park watching us, out in the parking lot talking. I'm sure this is the juicy gossip of the week, even though nothing has happened! I'm sure he was even more aware of it than me, since he knows everyone fairly well.

So that was my night; happy to see him, but a little disappointed because 1) his response wasn't "Oh, I'd LOVE to, WHEN?" and seemed just lukewarm, 2) that no actual plans got made, and 3) I don't know who's supposed to do the calling. All of which led me to kick myself again, thinking I shouldn't have been the one doing the asking in the first place.

I was hoping to be able to get together BEFORE the weekend, so that it would be a short and sweet informal getting-to-know-you kind of date with a small "d," but it doesn't look like that's going to happen now. Since I'm back to doing the "strategy" thing, I figure it would be ok to call him on Wednesday night if I don't hear from him first, then maybe we can go out on Friday night or do something Saturday. I'd really like to have a REAL date, or just be able to see him away from the dog park so I can TALK to him in a more personal way, and not worry about what everybody is saying about it.

I'm trying to find a balance between the overeager me that scares 'em away, and a more patient me. But there probably won't be any miracle shifts in my ability to wait patiently. Which is why I made the "deal" with myself to wait just until Wednesday. As I said, I don't know who's supposed to do the calling; he may be waiting on me for all I know. I was also hoping that this would be easier and different than the norm, because this is truly a different sort of guy. But now it looks like all the usual rules apply, for awhile anyway. Still, I'm only going to take that so far. I'm not going to wait all week hoping he'll call. I'm going to do what feels "right" to me, and if one little misstep leads to scaring him away, then I guess he's not IT either.

This wasn't supposed to happen yet

I wasn't looking for this right now, I swear, but...the nicest guy on the planet ("L.," my dog park guy) gave me his phone number yesterday as we were leaving the park. I didn't "chase," though I did make it obvious, I think, that I was interested in him. He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket as I was loading up the kids and handed it to me. You could've knocked me over with a feather (used-up cliche, my bad); I didn't even know what to say! So I thanked him and said yes, I'd like to get together. Then when I got home and settled in I called him, said thanks again, and gave him my phone numbers. I don't know if that was the "correct" dating protocol, but there's a point at which I just have to do what I think is right. So I called, and kept it short. He said he's off work today, so he'll be at the park this evening. Maybe we can make an actual date, or go somewhere tonight for a quick bite after the park.

He also discovered that Timmy can play fetch with a tennis ball. Now I've got a monster on my hands. He couldn't get enough, and L. couldn't believe I'd had him for almost a year and didn't know he could do that. Timmy is the best dog in the world; I can't believe I almost didn't adopt him.

So I've actually got a shot with the NICEST guy on the planet. I hope I'm right about this one, and that I can keep from screwing up this time. I'm so excited I could piddle on the floor.

It Might Just Work!

I think the first Writers' Meetup went rather well, in spite of my lack of experience and leadership ability. 5 of the 10 members came out and we had an informal sort of gathering at Panera, in which we all introduced ourselves and talked about the kind of writing we are interested in, the projects we're each working on, and the kinds of things we'd like to accomplish as members of the group.

We made some tentative decisions regarding days/time/place of future meetings, and decided that twice a month would be a good schedule to keep us all involved. I hope that the other members will be able to attend in the future. We're still a little uncertain as to how to structure our meeting time, but I think it's a good group with a lot of potential, and everyone has different genre interests and goals. It would be incredible if even one of us was able to get work published as a result of being part of the group. Without even going to Taos! Just a little writer humor there....

I can only imagine how disappointed Timmy and Pancho must have been to be shown into the kitchen instead of going for a ride last night. I missed the dog park, too. I'll make it up to them tonight and the rest of the weekend.

And Brother Bob is coming down for a rare sighting and drive-by visitation. We'll be doing lunch at The Pier, to give him his tourist-trap fix. And that'll be all the excitement this kid can stand for the weekend!

Looks Like I May Have Started Something!

Tonight is my first Writers' Meetup ( http://writers.meetup.com/665/?gj=sj6 )! I'm excited but nervous, too. I created the group so I would have something to participate in, but I don't necessarily want to be its "leader." I don't even know what to do, never having been in a writers' group myself.

We're up to 10 members now, and 5 of us have RSVPed that we'll attend tonight. So I'm hoping that someone there will 1) know how a group like this "works" and 2) would be willing to be in charge or at least share that responsibility with me! Along with that, I guess the main thing would be to establish a regular meeting day/time/place, and set the next meeting. If we can accomplish that much, I'll be happy! It would be great if this group turned out to be successful; it would certainly be a boost to my self esteem, which has been in the sewer lately. It's also a way to meet some new people and, hopefully, get my writing off the ground.

Dear Diary...

I started blogging with the hope of producing some worthwhile reading material, personal essays would be the idea I had in my mind. However, since the whole ordeal with J., I feel like I've reverted/regressed into "Dear Diary" mode, and it bothers me. I want the creative stuff back; the wisp of an idea in the back of my mind that I play with like mental Silly Putty, until I can turn it into a decent blog entry that a total stranger might stumble across and enjoy reading. I'm tired of my own endless whining over my failed-again romantic endeavor. But what can I do? Getting it out of my head helps. At least it feels like it helps. I'm writing stuff in a spiral notebook, too. You (my audience of 3?) don't even see the worst of it!

Going to the dog park, while not a huge accomplishment in itself, seems to help me a great deal, by virtue of keeping me in motion, getting me out of the house and out of my own head. I haven't spent this much time with my dogs since I've had them, and it's wonderful. But last week I realized I had another motive, a more selfish one. In spite of my own good intentions (Dear Diary), I discovered I had become attracted to one of the guys at the park. I didn't even realize it until he didn't show up a couple of nights last week and I found myself going home disappointed because he hadn't been there.

I didn't want this, I'm not ready for anyone else yet. I still get upset, sometimes to the point of tears, thinking about that whole mess with J. I often feel like I have no idea, at the age of 45, how to have a decent relationship or how a good relationship works. I'm not sure I've ever really had one, to be honest. But I think this guy is the nicest guy I've ever met, maybe even the nicest PERSON I've ever met. He's a really GOOD person. He loves his dogs (3 chow rescues), and he loves ALL the dogs. He likes Pancho and Timmy, too, and doesn't even mind Pancho jumping up onto the picnic table and kissing all over him.

I have no idea if he's the least bit interested in me, or just being his usual nice self. And I'm certainly not going to be doing any boy chasing any time soon. This wasn't part of the "plan," not this soon anyway. I'm not about to do anything stupid; it is good to know that I CAN be attracted to someone who's nice (I was starting to wonder about that). It's also good to know that there is actually anyone nice left to like. And if he does turn out to be interested in me, I'd be an idiot to turn him down.

I'm already struggling with wanting to do something to "move things along," scheming about how to get a date and I barely know the guy. It's that all-or-nothing mentality of mine, which has caused me nothing but trouble. Once I cross that line in my head, I get obsessive about getting what I want, as soon as I can (I want my pony, dammit!). It's no wonder I scare them all away. But if I made the first move and got rejected, then there goes my dog park. I'd be too embarrassed to show my face there again. All those people are friends already; I'm a newcomer, and I should be glad that they've been as friendly and welcoming to me as they have without knowing me. And that's what I need to keep foremost in my mind. The objective was to meet people and make FRIENDS, not find a boyfriend.

I guess I should consider this my big chance to do things right.

Maybe Not-So-Bright Idea?

I know I allowed just a few days, but only 2 people have signed up for my writers' group so far. Only one of them could make it tonight, so I've postponed the first meeting until next Thursday. I sent out about 20 invites, to people that are local and interested in a writing group, but only 2 of them joined. I suppose I err in assuming that everyone is as connected to their computer as I am. I could reach out a little farther from "home" and invite some more people. I could also put an announcement on Craig's List, which I will probably do. I'm afraid that, in spite of my efforts, I'm going to be disappointed, that there will be no additional interest.


Meanwhile, back at the dog park, Pancho and Timmy continue to gain fans and wow the spectators! When I get home from work, they practically pee themselves waiting for me to get their leashes. People always ask me about Timmy's name, so I just tell them I named him for South Park's Timmy (and they think that's cool), rather than go into the REAL story and weird everyone out.

Otherwise, it's been a fairly ordinary kind of week. I'm glad I've been getting out of the house; that's the one thing that has made a difference in getting me back to "normal." I've got sewing groups, too, but I just haven't been able to get psyched up for them. I think it will happen eventually, but everyone I know knows what happened and that makes it harder for me to be around them. There is a certain feeling of embarrassment and humiliation that I feel when I'm with people who know the whole story and how hard I'm taking it. The dog park is perfect because no one knows me or what I'm going through. I can pretend that nothing's wrong. It must help on some level.