It's actually a physical pain; it feels like they say a heart attack could feel. Like someone squeezing my heart in their fist, a pressure in the center of my chest that fills my whole chest. Not acute stubbed-toe or pulled-muscle kind of pain. It has its own feeling; an aching, hollowed out feeling throughout my whole upper body.
It's happened many times before, but it hasn't been this strong, this bad, in a very long time. I wonder again how I can feel like this and not die. How I can hurt like this and still live to allow someone else this power over me that will inevitably lead to another occurrence of this pain. I wonder if I take the rest of my antidepressants, will that make the hurt go away? Will I at least be able to die happy?
But I don't OD on anything. I don't get drunk. I just take an extra Tylenol p.m. so I can sleep through the night. Somehow I live through that first night, as I will the second, and then another until finally that pain recedes and I'm just living again. Just living.
And ultimately, ironically, I'll go LOOKING for the next person that I'll care about enough, the next person that will have the power to make me hurt like this again. Because if I don't I'm afraid I'll die on the inside, alone.
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"I wonder again how I can feel like this and not die."
I know that feeling. I don't know either. And, when I feel like that, if someone says, "This pain will make you stronger," it takes everything I have inside of me not to kick the living bujeezus out of them.
But thank goodness you have a heart and are able to feel and express your feelings. The world is better for that.
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