I woke up again with that awful feeling. I thought I was feeling a little bit better, but this morning I've got that awful hollowed-out feeling again, just like that first day. I guess I'd been harboring some small hope that I'd hear from J. again, that there was some chance of "fixing" this. I'm probably never going to see him again. We never got a chance to do even a fraction of the things we talked about doing together, things like sailing trips and rollerblading, or just spending a whole day in bed. Things that were dangled before me in my mind's eye like carrots that got snatched away just as I was ready to grab. I always perceived that he was somehow "out of my league" which made me all the crazier about him, and all the more insecure.
I had valid reasons to be upset; the problem is that I haven't learned how to express anger/discontent in an adult way. I suck it up until I blow. I've replayed it over and over in my head. I did have legitimate gripes. As I did with other boyfriends that I've lost this way. I blow up the way I do because I assume that the relationship will end anyway when I air my complaints, so I may as well be certain that I have my say (be right rather than happy). And they inevitably do end, not necessarily because I have an issue, but because I can't sit down and work it out in a reasonable adult manner.
I read a little book yesterday called "He's Just Not That Into You," and J. fit neatly into a couple of the scenarios presented in the book. If the author (a guy) is accurate in his premise, it probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. As my counselor told me, I should have expressed my anger in a more constructive way; however, HIS behavior kind of set me up to behave/react the way I did.
So. It may never have been the relationship I wanted, but I hate like hell that my behavior gave him the "out" that he may have already been looking for, or I handed him a reason to want out. I'm tired of looking, tired of being alone. Tired of being responsible for my aloneness. I'm my own worst enemy; I seem to screw these things up just when the happiness I want seems to be almost within my grasp. Maybe the operative word is "almost." Maybe it never would have been within reach and that's part of the frustration.
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3 comments:
You're pretty hard on yourself, Patty.
Yes, you can work on expressing your feelings in adult ways. However, the fact that you bottled it up with him -- and with other boyfriends -- leads me to think that he wasn't able to deal with emotions constructively either. You sensed that and kept your feelings to yourself.
So, yes, learn to trust yourself and express yourself honestly in your relationships. But if you feel yourself bottling things up, that might be a sign that the guy isn't right for you, too.
FWIW, I think he's a coward that he hasn't responded to your efforts for closure.
I'm sorry you woke up feeling unsettled this morning.
I'm not going to be able to move on until I accept that it's over. And it's pretty obvious that I haven't yet accepted it.
Patty, I suggest you stop reading those bad relationship books. Remember that you're not a lightswitch with your feelings. It's never on/off, but rather how much you're thinking about it. I suggest you give one of your hobbies a little more interest for a week or two.
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