Dear Diary...

I started blogging with the hope of producing some worthwhile reading material, personal essays would be the idea I had in my mind. However, since the whole ordeal with J., I feel like I've reverted/regressed into "Dear Diary" mode, and it bothers me. I want the creative stuff back; the wisp of an idea in the back of my mind that I play with like mental Silly Putty, until I can turn it into a decent blog entry that a total stranger might stumble across and enjoy reading. I'm tired of my own endless whining over my failed-again romantic endeavor. But what can I do? Getting it out of my head helps. At least it feels like it helps. I'm writing stuff in a spiral notebook, too. You (my audience of 3?) don't even see the worst of it!

Going to the dog park, while not a huge accomplishment in itself, seems to help me a great deal, by virtue of keeping me in motion, getting me out of the house and out of my own head. I haven't spent this much time with my dogs since I've had them, and it's wonderful. But last week I realized I had another motive, a more selfish one. In spite of my own good intentions (Dear Diary), I discovered I had become attracted to one of the guys at the park. I didn't even realize it until he didn't show up a couple of nights last week and I found myself going home disappointed because he hadn't been there.

I didn't want this, I'm not ready for anyone else yet. I still get upset, sometimes to the point of tears, thinking about that whole mess with J. I often feel like I have no idea, at the age of 45, how to have a decent relationship or how a good relationship works. I'm not sure I've ever really had one, to be honest. But I think this guy is the nicest guy I've ever met, maybe even the nicest PERSON I've ever met. He's a really GOOD person. He loves his dogs (3 chow rescues), and he loves ALL the dogs. He likes Pancho and Timmy, too, and doesn't even mind Pancho jumping up onto the picnic table and kissing all over him.

I have no idea if he's the least bit interested in me, or just being his usual nice self. And I'm certainly not going to be doing any boy chasing any time soon. This wasn't part of the "plan," not this soon anyway. I'm not about to do anything stupid; it is good to know that I CAN be attracted to someone who's nice (I was starting to wonder about that). It's also good to know that there is actually anyone nice left to like. And if he does turn out to be interested in me, I'd be an idiot to turn him down.

I'm already struggling with wanting to do something to "move things along," scheming about how to get a date and I barely know the guy. It's that all-or-nothing mentality of mine, which has caused me nothing but trouble. Once I cross that line in my head, I get obsessive about getting what I want, as soon as I can (I want my pony, dammit!). It's no wonder I scare them all away. But if I made the first move and got rejected, then there goes my dog park. I'd be too embarrassed to show my face there again. All those people are friends already; I'm a newcomer, and I should be glad that they've been as friendly and welcoming to me as they have without knowing me. And that's what I need to keep foremost in my mind. The objective was to meet people and make FRIENDS, not find a boyfriend.

I guess I should consider this my big chance to do things right.