Ready or Not

I've had so little good luck lately that I still can't believe my good fortune in finding L., and chasing him until he caught me, as he likes to say. After the fiasco with J., sequestering myself from the world--my version of going to the mountaintop; you'd be hard pressed to find a hill around here--to the point of almost ruining the one (or is it 2, when it's a husband and wife?) really good friendship that I have, and spending that time doing an immense amount of soul searching, I came out into the light and almost literally bumped right into the guy I've been looking for for YEARS.

"They" say you find the "right" one when you're not looking. I can't honestly say I wasn't looking at all; my antennae are always up to some extent when I'm "available," I admit it. I will say I wasn't prepared or expecting to find anyone for a very long time. I was still struggling to have a little faith in the future. Now that I had sorted some things out, I had a pretty clear idea of how my brain works in "relationship mode," how foolish I'd been in assigning all of the qualities I wanted in a guy to J., and how hard it would be to find the guy that I really wanted in the real world. In fact, I had no idea how I was going to go about that, when the time came. I sure wasn't going to be doing anymore matchdotcomming. I only started going to the dog park as an escape, to get me out of the house and my own head, to make some sort of an effort to meet new people (friends, not boyfriends), in a relaxed non-intimidating atmosphere.

And it worked, on all counts. I started feeling better almost immediately. Then a few days into the visits, L. showed up. At first, I just thought he was nice, and really good with all the animals. Then I saw he wasn't just nice, but GOOD, all the way through. I've never known someone so kind, good, and unpretentious. As the attraction grew, I realized that, whether I was ready or not, this was the guy I thought I'd never find, not any time soon anyway. That it wasn't a "rebound" situation, but possibly the real thing, if I could manage to get his attention, and then not screw it up.

I recognize that this is the earliest stage, when each thinks the other is perfect, when all the "happy" love songs are written, when all is right with the world, inasmuch as it can be. My worry, however, is that he'll wake up and discover that I'm not the girl HE's been looking for. That I don't have all the qualities that he wants, that he just got caught up in the excitement of this new and unexpected romance, and that, in the end, I won't be good enough for him. I hope that worry fades over time, as we get to know each other better. I wouldn't be me if I weren't worried about something.

I wish there were some way of thanking Pancho and Timmy, without whom this wouldn't have happened, but their reward is just being able to go for a ride and run at the park.